imperfect

don't ever get used to the fact that someone cares so deeply for you that they have made a commitment to love you forever. 

each day let it sink in slowly as you roll over to watch their sleeping face. let the truth of the idea wash over you, a wave of shock every time.

you're not worth it, but don't dwell on that. instead envelop and grow and harvest and relish in the love, and maybe some day you'll be worth it.

each day, let it surround you quickly in the moments you hold your fists clenched. let the hope of the promise rain down on you, drowning your dark thoughts every time.

don't ever get used to the fact that someone cares so deeply for you... that they have made a commitment.. to love..you..forever.

let the covenant bring you to your knees every time.

the big move

well it's all been said and done and i am now officially in a different country on a different coast, feeling a little overwhelmed to say the least. it's like i haven't even had a moment to pat myself on the back.

but it's during these crazed times in life that we can show our true colours and i hope my intention comes through clearly. all i have to do is finish planning a wedding, get married, get a place, move, get a job... oh and a greencard ;)

it's probably a bit harder than it sounds but don't worry about me!

me "i have a confession to make"

pause

blaze "what"

pause

blaze "did you eat something?"

i love how we plan out our outfits days ahead for the first time we see each other in the airport.

i'm gonna miss that a little bit.

quarter century thoughts

it's weird to think some people actually care about age on their birthday. internet lurkers, just rock your age. that's my one piece of advice for the year. rock it.

for me, turning 25 feels like some big accomplishment this year and i'm not sure why. although it seems like not that long ago some of those 'cooler' older kids i admired were 25....maybe i'm finally catching up to their coolness? 

any ways.

this past 25th year of life has been an especially wild one. but i'm pretty sure i say that exact phrase almost every year. at least life is exciting.... 

tomorrow however, is different. i'm moving to a different country long term. something i have never been able to boast about. i have a lot of mixed emotions at the moment. and a lot of mixed piles of crap around my parents' basement :/

for whatever reason though, the main thing that has hit me hard tonight is how lost i feel. waiting on a visa to move to the states for the past year has really taken its toll. my fiance and i had to put our engagement on hold, and my life even more so. i graduated from school in the summer, but because i was going to up and leave at any moment, i haven't advanced in a real career. this will also be my sixth move since 2009, always making my life feel unsettled and squished into cheap packing boxes.

i'm not saying my birthday wasn't great. it was, and there are more celebrations to come. 

but i know what it's like to be lost, and i think i might as well admit i'm sorta there at the moment. 

there's something really beautiful about being lost- the rare opportunity to be humbled. it makes me stop in life for a moment and look around before i take the next step. to question my over-confident decision. i find often that when i'm lost, in the end i feel like i've discovered something better than if i had been on the 'right' path.

if you're feeling lost right now, remember there isn't just one narrow road to your destiny. embrace this moment; it will only last a short while. enjoy the chaos while you can, and before you know it you will be found once again.

pain is pain

life is complicated. and for a girl who desires to understand everything, it only gets more so. 

pain is a funny thing. i mean.... not really. but we so often run from it without acknowledging how essential it is to human living. without pain there would not be choice. without pain there would not be pleasure. without pain we would have nothing that showed us how to become more refined, to try harder, to go faster, to do our best trying to do the best. 

at times i've found myself hiding from pain, at times i've found myself seeking it out. pain has been important to my life, but it has still been pain. and i hope that as life continues i learn to deal with it better than the time before.

here's to pain.

value

what do you find your value in?

do you find it in your work? your children? your appearance?

do you find it in the negative qualities of your flesh? what you parents told you you would never be? the way your best friend rejected you?

do you find it in the positive qualities of your flesh? your good marks in school, your creations, your ability to lead?

stop trying to control everything.

all earthly values will come crashing down at one point or another, and will leave you feeling value-less. thinking too lowly OR too greatly of yourself will damage you the same way in the end.

know that you can have value in something greater than yourself. in something that will never let you down. in a greater purpose. let go of yourself and peace, joy, and love will follow. 

do not worry about what may come your way tomorrow. what happened yesterday.

love.in.the.moment.